EDITOR NOTE: I WROTE THIS ARTICLE PROBABLY ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO (TODAY IS 2/10/17) FOR A ‘BRO COMEDY’ SITE THAT I ENDED UP NOT SELLING IT TO AND I NEVER PUBLISHED IT. TODAY, I WAS CLEANING OUT  MY GOOGLE DRIVE AND CAME ACROSS THIS. I HAD COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT. I READ IT AND IT GAVE ME A GOOD LAUGH, SO I WANTED TO PASS IT ALONG. ENJOY, IT’S TOTALLY RIDICULOUS!

I’m a ride-or-die Chipotle supporter. There will be zero E. coli jokes in this so if that’s what you’re looking for, thanks for boosting my click rate but you can go ahead and bounce now.

I’m dead serious when I say that 95-percent of the food I eat is prepared at home by myself or my wife. The other 5-percent is undoubtedly Chipotle.

I’m no Chipotle rookie. All real bros out there know Chipotle is life. Every time I go there, I scope out a few peeps who are in way over their head. From ordering mistakes to how they actually eat the food, it’s obvious that these people need help from a pro like myself. Have no fear, I have hand-crafted the ultimate list of top 5 rookie mistakes that you should avoid at Chipotle.

Mistake #5: “Can I get… uh… tacos?”

Can you get a what?!

You go to Chipotle and get a bowl. That’s it. There’s no contemplating. Studies show that people who get anything other than a burrito bowl at Chipotle decrease their life expectancy by 4.9-percent. Seriously though, a bowl is always the way to go. You get the most bang for your buck and you can honestly make it as healthy as you want.

“But there’s so many different delicious-looking menu items.” The menu at Chipotle is irrelevant. I seriously don’t think I’ve ever actually looked at the menu. You look at the food on display and have them combine all of those delicious things in an environmentally friendly disposable bowl.  Case closed.

Mistake #4: “The Great Debate”

According to an extremely sloppy and poorly implemented case study – run by me – around 90-percent of Chipotle diners use a fork to eat their burrito bowl.

My wife and I have this debate every time. She’s pro-fork, I’m pro-spoon. As a general rule, I think most things that you eat out of a bowl should be eaten with a spoon. There are a few exceptions, but Chipotle is not one of them.

Most Chipotle restaurants only display forks in the silverware rack, which is a huge disadvantage. ChiPROtles, or pro Chipotle eaters, know that you should just kill two birds with one stone and ask your cashier for a spoon during checkout. I don’t know why this is necessary but part of me thinks it’s to separate the boys from the men.

My thoughts on this are strong. #SpoonLivesMatter. Next time you visit Chipotle, go with a spoon for maximal feasting efficiency.

Mistake #3: “Work Smarter Not Harder”

Speaking of efficiency, this is a trick that will boost your pro levels substantially. I don’t always get chips because, well, they are terrible for you. Sometimes, you just have to go all out though.

We all know that the standard air-to-chip ratio inside a bag of any chips is about 3:1. Chipotle is no different. They give you a bag that’s probably over a foot tall, filled no more than halfway with chips.

Instead of looking like a barbaric savage with no table manners, noisily digging into the depths of the bag for a single chip, here’s a simple trick to save you.

Take the excess paper on the bag and rip it off. Now a sea of chips is at your disposal and you don’t have to dive deep for them.

Mistake #2: “Don’t Get Hustled”

I had to learn this the hard way. Chipotle only hires the highest skilled hustlers in the work force. They may seem bright and cheerful on the outside, but don’t think for a second they won’t hustle you.

Here’s the deal. I like to get double meat in my bowl from time to time. More protein, son. Gainz. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

The wrong way is to say, “Can I get double meat, chicken and steak, please?” You just set yourself up for a loss.

What’s going to happen is you’re going to get a measly ¼ scoop of steak and probably a ½ scoop of chicken. That ain’t a double. That’s not even a single when you combine those weak ass scoops.

DJ Khaled would be saying, THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO GET TWICE THE PROTEIN IN YOUR BOWL! THEY DON’T WANT YOU EATIN’ GOOD!”

But you deserve it. Here’s the correct way to go about this order.

You say, “Can I have chicken, please?” They put the chicken in the bowl, while you passively pay attention to the scoop size. Then, once the chicken has been served, you say, “Oh shoot, I’m sorry, actually can I make it a double?” Then you choose your second meat.

Now they’ve showed you their cards. You’ve seen their scoop size. And if you’re going to pay for a double, you better make sure you’re getting what you pay for. So when they add that second scoop, if it doesn’t measure up with the first scoop, don’t be scared to call them out.

Go big or go home.

Mistake #1: “The Guac Scoff”

There used to only be two guarantees in life: death and taxes. Now there is a third. Guacamole, and it’s extra. Get over it!

Chipotle Guac is essential. They know it, we all know it and it’s just something that you must be prepared for. You can’t react when they tell you that green goodness is extra. They know you know, but legally have to tell you.

There should be no hiccups in the burrito bowl making process because you’re not sure if you want to splurge on the Guacamole. Just let it happen.

Plus, pretty much everything but meat and Guac is unlimited for no charge. You can get extra rice, beans, salsa, etc. for free – and lots of it. Now if they hustle you on extra meat AND try to charge you extra for Guacamole, then you’ve gotten yourself into a pickle, my friend.

Hopefully you can optimize your Chipotle experience with these 5 tips and pass them on to anyone in need.